I mentioned last week in my Funny Friday piece that we talk with our kids a lot about awkward subjects…sex, periods, prostitutes, the nesting habits of rare birds, why a baby might resemble the mailman and so forth.
Nothing is off limits in our house, no matter how uncomfortable things may get. The hubby and I decided that from the beginning. Kids are remarkably smart and aware and they know when you’re giving them a dum-dum answer to an honest question. No holes are barred here.
Having said that, every family has a kid who will test the limits of her parental units with her knack for asking the most comprehensive and disconcerting questions. There’s always one who manages to make you turn six shades of purple with the tiniest little sentence.
There’s a little person in our family who can make me blush and get tongue-tied – and that’s saying something. I can give a detailed oratory to the Pope regarding the intimate parts of a woman’s innards with nary a hiccup. Oh, but my little Hannah, she can reduce me to a blithering, embarrassed idiot with one utterance.
We were, of course, recently having an impromptu sex discussion during dinner. Somehow it got brought up and the questions were flying. We were doing our best to answer the questions in a relaxed and straight-faced manner because we don’t ever want them to feel shame or embarrassment for asking a question about sex or anything else.
Cervix, testicles, labia. Okay. No biggies. Then there’s Hannah.
Hannah: Mommy, can I ask you a question? (The organ blasts, “Duhn, duh, duh”
and my upper lip begins to perspire just a little)
Me: Sure. What is it?
Hannah: Well, you said that Moms and Dads can have sex any time they want, right?
Me: (Oh crap. It’s coming. Trying not to look scared.) Yes, they can decide to whenever they both feel like they’re in the mood to have sex.
Hannah: I was just wondering if they can have sex any place they want? ‘Cause I know you said most people do it at night in their beds. But can they do it anywhere?
Me: (Abort, abort!!)Um…yes. People can have sex anywhere they feel comfortable and where it’s appropriate.
Hannah: (Squints her eyes and cocks her head. Releases an audible “Hmmmm.“) Okay, well…where do you and Daddy do it?
Me: (Silence as Dave and I look into each other’s eyes desperately hoping the other takes the lead on this train wreck) Well, like I said, people can do it wherever they both feel comfortable.
Hannah: I know you do it in your room but what about right here? (smiles wickedly and rubs her hand in a small circle on the dining table)
Me : (crickets of the most awkward kind as I and the rest of the family stare, dumb-founded)
Hannah: Have you done it in the living room? I’m just wondering.
Me: (stammering) Uh, well, um. That’s not really important. The answer to your question is that people can have sex wherever they feel comfortable and they usually don’t tell other people about it.
Hannah: (Makes a small “harrumph” sound and goes back to eating her pork chop)
Me: (I nervously smooth my shirt and try to look totally natural – like my child didn’t just ask me for details on when and where her Dad and I have sex. In our house. EEK.)
How do these types of conversations go down in your house? Tell me your awkward kid questions below. You can also read my post about having the “Sex Talk” here.