My Family is not Normal

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My family is not normal. I’ve made peace with this fact and embrace our large family, psychotic chaos.

I know we’re not normal because of the following collected data:

1. I go out to break up a major dog fight in the backyard in which my brief absence allowed me to return and capture this dangerous and potentially life-threatening, albeit adorable toddler photo shoot.

*first of all, who else but me would have to break up a dog fight? (In case you’re wondering, the cause of the fight was an armless, legless, regurgitated Barbie cadaver that was apparently coveted by more than one of our canines.) *the toddler broke through a double-locked baby gate to wreak this kitchen havoc. *luckily, the oven wasn’t on and there was no boiling liquid in the microwave.

2. We have a “five year, no maintenance” Dyson vacuum. We’re guaranteed to not have to do anything to it besides hand wash the filters every six months for the first five years of ownership. This is funny because I have to wash the “every six month” filters once a month and already had to buy new ones once and it’s a year old. The Dyson customer service was baffled. I’m wondering if the “every six month” plan is for old ladies in 500 square foot apartments with pet cacti? Definitely not for the pack of dirty trash pandas that reside in my house.

3. Anything that reads, “Lasts for up to xx amount of days, months or years” must be divided by at least 3 in our household. “Lasts up to 6 months” really means 2 months, max.

4. Anything that boasts of its indestructibility lasts about 10-15 minutes before a dog or child breaks it, loses it in a bodily orifice or eats it.

5. We’d be rich if we could develop a technology to generate electricity from fecal matter. (Human or animal. I’ve got plenty of both.)

6. My largest monthly subscribe and save orders on Amazon are toilet paper, butt wipes and Gorilla Construction glue. (Twin boys break a lot of stuff)

7. We buy milk the way some people buy fossil fuels. I regularly consider installing a commercial dairy tank with a tap and having it delivered by the tank-load daily.

8. Our 12 passenger van seems too small a majority of the time.

9. I’ve mentioned this before, but seriously, if Costco employees incredulously exclaim that your order is the biggest they’ve ever seen, something is frighteningly amiss. My most recent Costco employee conversation:

Costco employee: (Sighing heavily) This is the biggest order I’ve ever seen!

Me: We’re of family of 8 but we’re having a lot of guests for Christmas, too.

CE: (skeptically) Well, do you own a daycare?

Me: Unless you count the one I single-handedly created with my own uterus, no. *crickets*

10. I routinely triple and quadruple recipes. If it doesn’t have at least 8 eggs in it, I laugh in its little, regular sized face.

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