How to Breastfeed a Baby When you find out you’re pregnant, read about 154 books on pregnancy, birth and child rearing, but go ahead and skip the parts about breastfeeding. How hard could it be, right? Then punch yourself in … Continue reading
One day, Mommy will snap. A bathroom will likely be the cause of the meltdown. She will have yelled, “Where’s the dang brush?” one too many times. She’ll also freak out because she’ll find out there’s a drawer in the … Continue reading
I’m a member of a group on Facebook. It’s a secret. I will only tell you it’s for mothers who have babies in litters and are also Mormon. You have to have eaten the excrement of a toddler and abstain … Continue reading
Pregnancies: 7 Miscarriages: 2 Births: 5 births, 6 infants (buy one, get one free) Kids: 6 Pounds gained: 97 Pounds lost: 50 Pounds gained but not lost: 47 Times I’ve barfed: 7,562 Times he’s barfed: 3 Hospital visits: at least … Continue reading
My life is one big rotation of games; “Are You Smarter Than Your Preschooler?” “How Many Ways Can a Toddler Escape?” “Where’s the Shoe?” “Name that Poop” “How to Remove Poop From Any Surface” “Did You Eat That?” “You Have … Continue reading
Exactly three years ago, these little twerps were being extracted from a hole sawed in myabdomen. I had marched confidently into the hospital armed with a fresh pedicure and full hair and make-up, fully prepared to triumphantly and vaginally deliver … Continue reading
My favorite husband took me on a surprise birthday trip to the Middle-Aged-Woman Mecca, otherwise known as Waco, Texas. Forget about David Koresh and the National Mammoth Monument (not kidding) and the almost-literal hotness of the flames of he!!. Magnolia … Continue reading
A friend said to me the other day: “So I know you recently got back from vacation. I know crazy things had to have happened. Why haven’t you posted about it?” It’s true. We recently went on a trip known … Continue reading
Let your handsome husband talk you into a “back rub” when you know you’re ovulating. (Even though you’re of ‘advanced maternal age’ and theoretically should not be ovulating or left alone with a handsome husband) Laugh good-naturedly when your doctor … Continue reading
For the time being, ‘camping’ for our family entails driving 30 minutes to the beautiful Lyndon B. Johnson Grasslands, ‘hunting’ wild fried chicken from the drive-thru and making s’mores, then hightailing it home to our nice, comfortable beds and crib … Continue reading
Let’s just pretend I didn’t lose my shiz getting to homeschool co-op today, mmkay? We’ll just say that no one lost their shoes, refused to wear shoes, ate someone else’s food, pooped on the rug, insisted they were sick, outgrew … Continue reading
The Sock Hop My poor children and husband. If there is an occasion of any kind…and I mean any kind…there will be photographs. I will bark orders and physically force folks to comply with my evil compositions. If there is … Continue reading
Before I launch into my excessively wordy and sappy Valentine tribute to my boyfriend, I want to describe the sequence of events surrounding the taking of these pictures. 15 year old was snapping pictures while the 12 year old was … Continue reading
There comes a time in every mom’s life when she wakes up and regularly surmises, “Holy Potatoes. I woke up older than dirt.” This happens on days when she wakes up with a mysterious limp and the only physical activity … Continue reading
We have this early spring phenomena in Texas called Ice Storms. It’s where Texas gets super drunk and pees really cold rain and sleet all over us and then forgets that it’s late February and proceeds to freeze overnight. Trees … Continue reading
We have these bowls to which we affectionately refer as the ‘bowls of filth’. When dinner guests have food left on their plates, my children snatch the leftovers, and to the surprise of the visitors, go and place the refuse … Continue reading
Today was hurcuttin’ day at the Abernathy’s. When you have as many heads as we do, you improvise. Since we spend so much money on peanut butter, mayonnaise and toilet paper, there’s really no room in the budget for new … Continue reading
I had a headache for ten twelve days recently. I’m getting old and premenopausal (I’m self-diagnosing here but have an appointment with my MALE PCP to confirm my suspicions and hopefully get some concrete solutions for my FEMALE problems) and … Continue reading
Laundry-doers of the world, UNITE! It’s a scary, filthy machine that never stops rolling and you are the one stainless-steel cog that keeps the whole show a-showin’. Usually, before 8am, I’ve logged 4,000 harried steps on the Fitbit, tallied about … Continue reading
You know, the minimalists say the best gifts aren’t gifts, but experiences. I agree. Most of the time. Let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time, (to make a short story long) about 13 years ago, we … Continue reading
