*Folks have been asking for an update on the “water to the gas tank” incident with our van. Welp. Here ya go. *Vandals You Own* I turned my back for one second. All good parental spiels begin this way, right? … Continue reading
Vandals You Own
Category Archives: Humor
Primary Program Sunday
Primary Program Sunday Each year, usually in October, each of our church’s congregations have a special Sunday where the little children present a program. They sing songs and talk about Jesus for an entire hour and it’s my favorite thing … Continue reading
Vandals You Own
*Folks have been asking for an update on the “water to the gas tank” incident with our van. Welp. Here ya go. *Vandals You Own* I turned my back for one second. All good parental spiels begin this way, right? … Continue reading
Brazil in a Nutshell (Part 2)
Ya’ll. I have so much word vomit for you. I apologize in advance for my going on and on and on. Brazilians are just so fascinating. So, my cultural, basic white girl biases are in a tizzy. The myopic ‘Merican … Continue reading
Things I’ve learned in Brazil (part 1)
The First Rule of Rio according to Maria: do not leave a phone unattended even for a second. I basically broke the rule the second my feet hit Brazilian soil. I went to the bathroom in the airport and left … Continue reading
What Old Moms Do When Left Alone
I was left home alone for approximately 7.5 hours today. This is a rare occurrence in the life of this ordinary Hausfrau because I own so many children, it’s very difficult to convince anyone (even the man who procreated them with me) to brave leaving home with all of them in tow. Continue reading
Little Kids, Big Kids
So, here we are ladies. We’ve been pregnant or feeding an infant for so many years, we don’t remember when we started. Or maybe we had one and had to take off 8 years to recover. The last time we wore a bikini, it was cool to pluck out every last eyebrow we had and then draw it back on. Our bladders either randomly pee all over us or won’t squirt urine for nobody or nothin’ no matter how hard we squeeze or how many Kegels we force out while driving the maxi-van. Continue reading
Ironies For the Middle Aged Woman
I go to the doctor and insist something is wrong with me. I tell them all I’m crazy. Certifiably insane. I mean, my husband placing the wrong pajamas on a kid or buying chicken with bones can induce the tears … Continue reading
Cuticle Trimmers and Tire Swings
Just when I think my life couldn’t possibly get more weird or comical…I find a cuticle trimmer in the bottle of maple syrup I opened yesterday. Yes, it’s our cuticle trimmer and not a Costco quality control issue. You better … Continue reading
How to Breastfeed a Baby
How to Breastfeed a Baby When you find out you’re pregnant, read about 154 books on pregnancy, birth and child rearing, but go ahead and skip the parts about breastfeeding. How hard could it be, right? Then punch yourself in … Continue reading
Bolt Down All the Stuff
One day, Mommy will snap. A bathroom will likely be the cause of the meltdown. She will have yelled, “Where’s the dang brush?” one too many times. She’ll also freak out because she’ll find out there’s a drawer in the … Continue reading
Litter Boxes for Humans and other Potty Training Stories
I’m a member of a group on Facebook. It’s a secret. I will only tell you it’s for mothers who have babies in litters and are also Mormon. You have to have eaten the excrement of a toddler and abstain … Continue reading
18 Years in Numbers
Pregnancies: 7 Miscarriages: 2 Births: 5 births, 6 infants (buy one, get one free) Kids: 6 Pounds gained: 97 Pounds lost: 50 Pounds gained but not lost: 47 Times I’ve barfed: 7,562 Times he’s barfed: 3 Hospital visits: at least … Continue reading
Whoever said adulting isn’t all fun and games?
My life is one big rotation of games; “Are You Smarter Than Your Preschooler?” “How Many Ways Can a Toddler Escape?” “Where’s the Shoe?” “Name that Poop” “How to Remove Poop From Any Surface” “Did You Eat That?” “You Have … Continue reading
Three Years Later
Exactly three years ago, these little twerps were being extracted from a hole sawed in myabdomen. I had marched confidently into the hospital armed with a fresh pedicure and full hair and make-up, fully prepared to triumphantly and vaginally deliver … Continue reading
Middle Aged Woman Mecca (Magnolia Silos)
My favorite husband took me on a surprise birthday trip to the Middle-Aged-Woman Mecca, otherwise known as Waco, Texas. Forget about David Koresh and the National Mammoth Monument (not kidding) and the almost-literal hotness of the flames of he!!. Magnolia … Continue reading
Large Family Vacation
A friend said to me the other day: “So I know you recently got back from vacation. I know crazy things had to have happened. Why haven’t you posted about it?” It’s true. We recently went on a trip known … Continue reading
How to be Pregnant with Twins (or just any old human baby)
Let your handsome husband talk you into a “back rub” when you know you’re ovulating. (Even though you’re of ‘advanced maternal age’ and theoretically should not be ovulating or left alone with a handsome husband) Laugh good-naturedly when your doctor … Continue reading
“Saturday Camping”: A Photo Essay
For the time being, ‘camping’ for our family entails driving 30 minutes to the beautiful Lyndon B. Johnson Grasslands, ‘hunting’ wild fried chicken from the drive-thru and making s’mores, then hightailing it home to our nice, comfortable beds and crib … Continue reading
The No Good, Very Bad Morning
Let’s just pretend I didn’t lose my shiz getting to homeschool co-op today, mmkay? We’ll just say that no one lost their shoes, refused to wear shoes, ate someone else’s food, pooped on the rug, insisted they were sick, outgrew … Continue reading
