Bolt Down All the Stuff

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One day, Mommy will snap. A bathroom will likely be the cause of the meltdown. She will have yelled, “Where’s the dang brush?” one too many times. She’ll also freak out because she’ll find out there’s a drawer in the … Continue reading

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Litter Boxes for Humans and other Potty Training Stories

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I’m a member of a group on Facebook. It’s a secret. I will only tell you it’s for mothers who have babies in litters and are also Mormon. You have to have eaten the excrement of a toddler and abstain … Continue reading

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18 Years in Numbers

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Pregnancies: 7 Miscarriages: 2 Births: 5 births, 6 infants (buy one, get one free) Kids: 6 Pounds gained: 97 Pounds lost: 50 Pounds gained but not lost: 47 Times I’ve barfed: 7,562 Times he’s barfed: 3 Hospital visits: at least … Continue reading

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Whoever said adulting isn’t all fun and games?

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My life is one big rotation of games; “Are You Smarter Than Your Preschooler?” “How Many Ways Can a Toddler Escape?” “Where’s the Shoe?” “Name that Poop” “How to Remove Poop From Any Surface” “Did You Eat That?” “You Have … Continue reading

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Three Years Later

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Exactly three years ago, these little twerps were being extracted from a hole sawed in myabdomen. I had marched confidently into the hospital armed with a fresh pedicure and full hair and make-up, fully prepared to triumphantly and vaginally deliver … Continue reading

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Middle Aged Woman Mecca (Magnolia Silos)

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My favorite husband took me on a surprise birthday trip to the Middle-Aged-Woman Mecca, otherwise known as Waco, Texas. Forget about David Koresh and the National Mammoth Monument (not kidding) and the almost-literal hotness of the flames of he!!. Magnolia … Continue reading

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Large Family Vacation

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A friend said to me the other day: “So I know you recently got back from vacation. I know crazy things had to have happened. Why haven’t you posted about it?” It’s true. We recently went on a trip known … Continue reading

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How to be Pregnant with Twins (or just any old human baby)

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Let your handsome husband talk you into a “back rub” when you know you’re ovulating. (Even though you’re of ‘advanced maternal age’ and theoretically should not be ovulating or left alone with a handsome husband) Laugh good-naturedly when your doctor … Continue reading

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“Saturday Camping”: A Photo Essay

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For the time being, ‘camping’ for our family entails driving 30 minutes to the beautiful Lyndon B. Johnson Grasslands, ‘hunting’ wild fried chicken from the drive-thru and making s’mores, then hightailing it home to our nice, comfortable beds and crib … Continue reading

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The No Good, Very Bad Morning

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Let’s just pretend I didn’t lose my shiz getting to homeschool co-op today, mmkay? We’ll just say that no one lost their shoes, refused to wear shoes, ate someone else’s food, pooped on the rug, insisted they were sick, outgrew … Continue reading

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The Sock Hop

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The Sock Hop My poor children and husband. If there is an occasion of any kind…and I mean any kind…there will be photographs. I will bark orders and physically force folks to comply with my evil compositions. If there is … Continue reading

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My Penguin

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Before I launch into my excessively wordy and sappy Valentine tribute to my boyfriend, I want to describe the sequence of events surrounding the taking of these pictures. 15 year old was snapping pictures while the 12 year old was … Continue reading

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Old Women and Driving Permits

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There comes a time in every mom’s life when she wakes up and regularly surmises, “Holy Potatoes. I woke up older than dirt.” This happens on days when she wakes up with a mysterious limp and the only physical activity … Continue reading

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Snow, I mean ICE days in Texas

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We have this early spring phenomena in Texas called Ice Storms. It’s where Texas gets super drunk and pees really cold rain and sleet all over us and then forgets that it’s late February and proceeds to freeze overnight. Trees … Continue reading

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Big Family Barf Fest

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We have these bowls to which we affectionately refer as the ‘bowls of filth’. When dinner guests have food left on their plates, my children snatch the leftovers, and to the surprise of the visitors, go and place the refuse … Continue reading

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Hurcuttin’, 5 o’clock Shadows and Adulting

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Today was hurcuttin’ day at the Abernathy’s. When you have as many heads as we do, you improvise. Since we spend so much money on peanut butter, mayonnaise and toilet paper, there’s really no room in the budget for new … Continue reading

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Headaches and Naked Photos

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I had a headache for ten twelve days recently. I’m getting old and premenopausal (I’m self-diagnosing here but have an appointment with my MALE PCP to confirm my suspicions and hopefully get some concrete solutions for my FEMALE problems) and … Continue reading

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The Laundry Nazi

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Laundry-doers of the world, UNITE! It’s a scary, filthy machine that never stops rolling and you are the one stainless-steel cog that keeps the whole show a-showin’. Usually, before 8am, I’ve logged 4,000 harried steps on the Fitbit, tallied about … Continue reading

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Don’t Go to Your Local Gym!

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Fitbit says: Congratulations, Jesi! Your 30 minute high-intensity workout was auto-detected and added to your weekly stats. Jesi says: Nope. That was my daily farm chores and time spent chasing toddlers for a diaper change. Moral of the story: to … Continue reading

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Fun, Old Fashioned Family Christmas Album

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What do you get when you add up nine cousins, five moms and dads, a Grammy and a Grampy and 17 days of Fun, Old Fashioned Family Christmas? One epic ugly Christmas sweater family photo, that’s what. Oh…and an over-flowing … Continue reading

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