*Folks have been asking for an update on the “water to the gas tank” incident with our van. Welp. Here ya go. *Vandals You Own* I turned my back for one second. All good parental spiels begin this way, right? … Continue reading
Vandals You Own
Category Archives: Parenting
What No One Told You About Parenting
If you’re following my drift here, it’s not all beer and skittles, my friends. Parenting sucks a great majority of the time. Ironically, it is also the most fantastic hard thing that will ever happen to you and those squeaky little rats will gift unto you unparalleled joy and purpose and lead your heart to the Land of Milk and Honey. Paradoxically, they will also draw out your worst fears and insecurities and unhealed emotional anguish. Sometimes all these things happen over the course of a single day Continue reading
What Old Moms Do When Left Alone
I was left home alone for approximately 7.5 hours today. This is a rare occurrence in the life of this ordinary Hausfrau because I own so many children, it’s very difficult to convince anyone (even the man who procreated them with me) to brave leaving home with all of them in tow. Continue reading
Little Kids, Big Kids
So, here we are ladies. We’ve been pregnant or feeding an infant for so many years, we don’t remember when we started. Or maybe we had one and had to take off 8 years to recover. The last time we wore a bikini, it was cool to pluck out every last eyebrow we had and then draw it back on. Our bladders either randomly pee all over us or won’t squirt urine for nobody or nothin’ no matter how hard we squeeze or how many Kegels we force out while driving the maxi-van. Continue reading
Encroachment and other Insults
My family is very verbal and we are quite irreverent in our humor. We possess the cloven and razor sharp tongues of the Devil Serpent and therefore do a lot of crap talking and butt kicking amongst ourselves. Alas, even the youngest of our clan wield words like the weapons of the most feared warriors. Continue reading
The Value of Loving Others
This book is required reading at our house. It’s because sometimes kids are jerks and they have to be taught how not to be a jerk. My theory is, if teens are pressed to look outside themselves to find purpose, they will likely discover contentment. Continue reading
Ironies For the Middle Aged Woman
I go to the doctor and insist something is wrong with me. I tell them all I’m crazy. Certifiably insane. I mean, my husband placing the wrong pajamas on a kid or buying chicken with bones can induce the tears … Continue reading
The Box Pusher
Dear Male Humans,
Ok, men. I’d like to paint a little picture for you. An analogy, if you will. Let’s compare family life to a box.
Everything is in the box – your house, your job, your wife’s job, your marriage, the kids, the dogs, the grocery shopping, school, church, your health, her health, the kids’ health, the neighbors’ health, the extended family, the cat, the cars, the broken toilet…all of it. Continue reading
How to Breastfeed a Baby
How to Breastfeed a Baby When you find out you’re pregnant, read about 154 books on pregnancy, birth and child rearing, but go ahead and skip the parts about breastfeeding. How hard could it be, right? Then punch yourself in … Continue reading
Bolt Down All the Stuff
One day, Mommy will snap. A bathroom will likely be the cause of the meltdown. She will have yelled, “Where’s the dang brush?” one too many times. She’ll also freak out because she’ll find out there’s a drawer in the … Continue reading
Litter Boxes for Humans and other Potty Training Stories
I’m a member of a group on Facebook. It’s a secret. I will only tell you it’s for mothers who have babies in litters and are also Mormon. You have to have eaten the excrement of a toddler and abstain … Continue reading
Whoever said adulting isn’t all fun and games?
My life is one big rotation of games; “Are You Smarter Than Your Preschooler?” “How Many Ways Can a Toddler Escape?” “Where’s the Shoe?” “Name that Poop” “How to Remove Poop From Any Surface” “Did You Eat That?” “You Have … Continue reading
Three Years Later
Exactly three years ago, these little twerps were being extracted from a hole sawed in myabdomen. I had marched confidently into the hospital armed with a fresh pedicure and full hair and make-up, fully prepared to triumphantly and vaginally deliver … Continue reading
How to be Pregnant with Twins (or just any old human baby)
Let your handsome husband talk you into a “back rub” when you know you’re ovulating. (Even though you’re of ‘advanced maternal age’ and theoretically should not be ovulating or left alone with a handsome husband) Laugh good-naturedly when your doctor … Continue reading
“Saturday Camping”: A Photo Essay
For the time being, ‘camping’ for our family entails driving 30 minutes to the beautiful Lyndon B. Johnson Grasslands, ‘hunting’ wild fried chicken from the drive-thru and making s’mores, then hightailing it home to our nice, comfortable beds and crib … Continue reading
The No Good, Very Bad Morning
Let’s just pretend I didn’t lose my shiz getting to homeschool co-op today, mmkay? We’ll just say that no one lost their shoes, refused to wear shoes, ate someone else’s food, pooped on the rug, insisted they were sick, outgrew … Continue reading
My Penguin
Before I launch into my excessively wordy and sappy Valentine tribute to my boyfriend, I want to describe the sequence of events surrounding the taking of these pictures. 15 year old was snapping pictures while the 12 year old was … Continue reading
Old Women and Driving Permits
There comes a time in every mom’s life when she wakes up and regularly surmises, “Holy Potatoes. I woke up older than dirt.” This happens on days when she wakes up with a mysterious limp and the only physical activity … Continue reading
Snow, I mean ICE days in Texas
We have this early spring phenomena in Texas called Ice Storms. It’s where Texas gets super drunk and pees really cold rain and sleet all over us and then forgets that it’s late February and proceeds to freeze overnight. Trees … Continue reading
Hurcuttin’, 5 o’clock Shadows and Adulting
Today was hurcuttin’ day at the Abernathy’s. When you have as many heads as we do, you improvise. Since we spend so much money on peanut butter, mayonnaise and toilet paper, there’s really no room in the budget for new … Continue reading
