A friend said to me the other day: “So I know you recently got back from vacation. I know crazy things had to have happened. Why haven’t you posted about it?”

It’s true. We recently went on a trip known as ‘vacation’ for men and children but referred to as ‘hell week’ by mothers everywhere. And crazy things happened.

Let’s play a little game of “Remember the Time…” Family Vacation Edition.

Remember the time…

…we went on ‘Family Vacation’ and it took four weeks to plan and book, three weeks to prep and pack, one week of intense labor to carry it out and two weeks to unpack and undo all the damage?

…when we had to take three large coolers on vacation, of which two contained 10 gallons of milk AND we had to buy a hitch cargo basket to carry them all in? (We love our raw milk from the local dairy and can’t live without it)

…we stopped at a gas station in the ghetto of Dallas and Harleigh threw the van door open and started twerking so hard to the gangsta rap thumpin’ out of the OG Chevy Caprice parked next to us?

…when Fiddy Cent, the owner of the Caprice was pumping his gas and whispered “Good Lord” under his breath as we filed by like a midget circus? He just smiled politely, his massive golden grill glinting in the sunshine.

…the lady in the gas station put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Who’s the mother here?” We weren’t sure if she thought I looked too young to have so many children or we were being so loud and disruptive that she wanted to scold me for taking such heathens out in public. We smiled and nodded and quickly walked away.

…when Daddy moved the van while we were in the gas station and the kids immediately assumed he had hit the road and was on his way to start over in South America? There was momentary panic until I pointed out that he probably wouldn’t make his Great Escape in a maxi-van.

…when Hailey thought she’d be slick and sit in the back seat so she could have a row to herself?

….when Hailey realized that by sitting in the last row, she’d be required to assist children with using the ‘toilet’ and distributing food to the entire van?

…we set up a ‘bathroom’ in the back of the van using suitcases to fashion a stall and a Winnie the Pooh baby potty? (It really was impressive. There was toilet paper and wipes and everything)

…when Hailey got disgruntled about having to man the baby potty and hand out food and chucked a bag of Doritos and almost took off Mom’s ear and then tried to insist she didn’t mean to?

…we stopped in hotels on the way and it looked like we were opening an orphanage for traveling children? It was like an obstacle course of bodies to go to the bathroom.

…when Hudson chitchatted all night in the hotel the first night? It was an endless loop of, “Mama, yook at me. Yook at me eyes.” “Mama, wake up.” “I think I pooped.” “Mama. Where we at?” “Mama, I can’t see you.” “Mama, I firsty.” Oh, and his fingers were up Mama’s nose or poking her eyelids most of the night.

…we went to Florida but didn’t go to Disneyworld because…well…twins? (The girls say they ruined everything) Who wants to take two squirrels on crack into the happiest place on earth? No one. That’s who.

…we arrived to our condo and Hayden ripped off his diaper and marked the bed like a little stud chihuahua five minutes after we got there?

….when the crib rental company only delivered one crib because they thought surely two cribs was a mistake and Mommy subsequently had an emotional melt down?

…when Mom heaved a great sigh of relief when she realized the condo had a commercial washing machine?

…we had been on vacation a day and a half and already had two commercial loads of laundry to wash?

…when everyone saw the ocean on the first night and just ran and jumped in with their clothes on like a bunch of hopped up hippies?

…when Mom and Dad seriously considered going to Walmart and buying dog tie-out stakes to auger into the sand and clip the the twins’ life jackets to avoid losing them to rip-tide?

…when we went shell collecting and the twins thought it was an Easter egg hunt and were totally onboard for the festivities until a hermit crab came out of one of the “eggs”. There was terror-induced balling for 10-15 minutes.

…when Harleigh got her head stuck in the boat railing on the snorkel boat tour?

…when Harleigh got her lips stuck in the Gatorade bottle and it took a butter knife to dislodge them?

….when Hailey was babysitting while Mom and Dad went on a date and she took the kids swimming and then noticed with horror that Hudson was surrounded by a suspicious green cloud in the pool water?

…when Hailey texted Mom a picture of Hudson surrounded by green diarrhea because he pooped in his diaper in the pool but it seeped out everywhere?

Hailey: What do I do?

Mom: Pretend like you don’t know him.

…when one of the kids thought it seemed like a good idea to squirt a bunch of shampoo in the Jacuzzi tub?

…when we went on a pirate ship cruise and Mom told the kids to hold their tongues and say, “I was born in a pirate ship.” (Go ahead and try it. I’ll wait.)

…when the fire alarm in the condo went off at 1:30am, 1:45, 2am, 2:15 and so on until the maintenance guy arrived and it magically stopped?

…when we were proud and happy because we only lost two pairs of shoes and one pacifier?

…when we made priceless memories

and Mom realized it was all worth it?